Genre: AU, fluff, angst, romance, smut, etc.
Bands: Dir en grey
Synopsis: I thought it would be a sign of what we shared, little did I know that I would be left alone with it to remind me of how things should have found their way back together.
Disclaimer: Don’t own…
Comments: Wow, here’s the last part. It’s really long and I was thinking about separating it into 2 parts, but I felt that it wouldn’t be right. So anyways, thank you all for your comments and support, it has meant a lot to me, and I hope that you enjoy the last part! <3
.:.Part 1.:..:.Part 2.:..:.Part 3.:.
**-The parts in italics are from Kyo’s writing, so at first it might not make sense, but it will as the story goes on. They can also be looked at as his thoughts. -**
Kyo’s eyelids were heavy as he rolled over in bed. The blankets were wrapped around him in a way that made it hard to move. He frowned against the still dark room, confused to why he was awake.
A noise off to his right startled him and it’s familiar sound gave him the answer to why he had been woken. It took him at least another minute to realize that it was his phone that was making the noise.
Blindly he reached out to grab it, but as he finally wrapped his fingers around the cool plastic object it stopped ringing.
He flopped back down against the pillows and closed his eyes. Just as he began to relax against his black sheets his ring tone sounded again.
The phone was still in his hand as he groggily raised it to his ear, opening his eyes only long enough to briefly glance at the caller I.D.
“What?” His voice was barely more then a disoriented grunt.
“I wanted to know how your date went.” Even though the voice was familiar Kyo struggled to listen, blinking a few times in order to look at his clock.
He groaned. “Fuck Kaoru! Do you know what time it is?”
“Yes I do, and I’ve been up for over an hour already. Some of us do have to work. So how was it?”
“So…” Kyo could swear he could hear the other man smile. “Did you hold hands?”
“Yes.” Even in the dark he rolled his eyes.
“What the fuck Kaoru!”
The other man made a small noise which Kyo assumed was to hide his laughter. “So that’s a yes?”
“No, that’s a no.” Kyo began to fix his blankets. “When did you get so annoying?”
“I’ve always been this way. Hey, I finished your book by the way.”
“You did? What did you think?”
“You could have given me a cooler name.”
“Kaoru!” Kyo paused and listened. “Where the hell are you anyways?” On the other end of the line he could hear what sounded like at least a hundred people talking.
“On my way to work.” The older man paused. “I thought it was really good Kyo. Honestly. I don’t even know how to express it, that’s why you’re the writer.”
“Thank you. It means a lot coming from you.” In his empty bedroom Kyo smiled.
“You’re welcome. So did you want to meet for lunch?”
“Sure, if I’m up.”
Kaoru laughed. “The usual place then? Say noon?”
“Make it one.”
“Deal, see you later.”
The line went dead and Kyo replaced the phone on his bedside table before falling back asleep.
When he woke up again the sun had found its way into the sky and he quickly got ready before heading to the train station.
The morning was not unlike so many others, but somehow as he walked down the streets, Kyo knew that it was.
When he arrived at the restaurant the waitress waved at him as she carried a tray full of dishes into the back. He waited patiently for a few minutes until she waved him over to a table that was already prepared for him.
“Your friend is coming right?”
He nodded. “Yeah, thank you.”
“I’ll grab your drinks, the usual?” She had already begun to walk away by the time Kyo nodded and took his seat. He waited patiently as she came back five minutes later with the glasses, and then another fifteen minutes before the older man entered and spotted him.
“Hey sorry I’m late.” He smiled and looked over Kyo. “You look different.”
The blond frowned. “I do?”
“Yeah…” Kaoru laughed. “I don’t know what it is, are you sure you two didn’t-”
“Okay, okay.” The brunette waved his hands. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Then shaking his head he looked back up seriously. “Do you feel different?”
“I don’t understand…” Kyo pursed his lips and tried to avoid looking directly the other man. “I guess, I don’t know if I feel anything different this time around. I don’t know if I feel different now that he’s back in my life. I think I expect to feel different but I’m not sure if I actually do.”
“Are you going to see him again?”
Their food arrived and gave Kyo a moment to think. “Yes. Well I mean, I will if he asks, but I’m still too… I don’t know, pessimistic maybe, cynical… just overall not ready to get my hopes up.”
Kaoru frowned. “What do you mean?”
“He left once, and I still don’t know why exactly. I don’t know what he did while we were separated, and I’m don’t think I’m ready to ask, to know the answer.” He swallowed. “It’s not like I don’t want to, it’s just, I don’t want to…”
“You know Kyo, your book never really had an ending. I liked that you left it so open. It was a good idea to do it that way.” Kaoru took a sip of his drink between bites of his meal.
Kyo frowned and turned his eyes towards the other man. “Maybe that’s because I didn’t know the ending.”
Days pass like flowers bloom. Sometimes you notice them, sometimes you don’t. It usually isn’t until something beautiful, some sort of noticeable change between how things are now, and what they used to be that we begin to count the days, that we begin to remember which ones are the important ones and which ones we can just count as the passing of time.
At least that’s how it is for me. For so long all my days seemed to blend together, leaving me no specific memory of weeks or even months at a time.
So many of the years after you were gone were like this. It might have actually been yesterday that you left, but I know that it’s been so much longer.
I can tell by the lines that have formed on my skin because of all the empty nights and countless days of nothing but memories.
Even though it seemed like time had stopped, I knew that it hadn’t. Even though it seemed that all the stars, that are barely visible in this city, have cooled and their beauty died in their untouchable position in the sky.
Watching and almost mocking us in their unreachable place. They’ve probably seen more then anything ever will, and yet through everything they have never had to endure what we have. They gaze at us, like we gaze at them, never being able to feel each other, never being able to close the invisible bridges of both time and space that we have between us.
Silently observing us, they see how we go from day to day. How we carry on without a second thought, without missing a beat. They don’t see the tears we might cry during the days, they don’t see what we have to go through to get to the sleepless nights that we must suffer.
How I wished that they would embrace you in their frozen state, just so that I could feel your warmth as we’re connected across infinity. I wished that I didn’t know that you too might be looking up at the same sky and seeing it in an entirely different way then me.
Even now when I stand by your side and watch the tiny pin pricks of light tremble and even disappear in the blink of an eye, I know that they are the lucky ones.
No matter how alone and cold they might seem. How indifferent and yet beautiful. How eternity must seem so simple, when all you have to do is live so that everything else revolves around you. I wish, at times, that life was truly that easy.
They see yet never know the pain that we carry inside of us.
The sun was setting again and Kyo’s eyes fell to his phone, but the small device remained silent.
He sighed and stood up. It had been over a week since his date with Die and he had still to hear from the red head. The days had begun to blend together and some of his old wounds that had healed had been reopened. All the doubts and worries that he had initially had all came rushing back as soon as the first date euphoria began to fade away.
At first he thought that maybe his ringer was off, or that his phone wasn’t working. He even went as far as calling and making sure that he had paid his bill and his line was still hooked up. Of course, there was nothing wrong with his phone and that thought made him all that more restless.
He had scolded himself for actually expecting the other man to call. He was angry and disappointed more in himself then in Die.
Standing up and walking to the window he looked out into the somewhat hazy twilight and he could see the moon rising. It pulled on his heart in a way that he didn’t expect and he quickly turned his gaze to the floor and took a few deep shaking breaths.
He had yet to cry over the older man, and he kept telling himself that he wouldn’t. no matter what, he would not let the other man break his heart again. No matter what he would get over him, and move on. This time, he wouldn’t be so stupid. He would learn from his mistakes, and wake up the next day a better person, a stronger person.
He reached up and slammed his open palm onto his wall swallowing hard against the lump that was forming in his throat. He raised his eyes slowly and in the light that was flooding through his window from a near by street lamp he could see the small white line that marked his right arm. The small scar he felt defined his life more then any words ever could.
He let out a small gasp and could tell he was trembling even before his legs became too weak to support him and he fell to his knees, his hand sliding down the wall after him.
He felt like he was breaking apart from the inside out and yet even as his eyes fell to small cracks in the paint that rose up from the floor, he blamed himself for the cool trails of liquid that were making his way down his cheeks.
It wasn’t until the first droplet of water landed on the floor in front of him that he realized that he was crying. Using the hand that wasn’t on the wall holding him up, he hastily wiped away the wet patches on his cheeks.
His chest was tight and he fought to regain control of his breathing and stop the tears that continued to fall, resisting his attempts to halt them.
“Die…” He let the name slide past his lips and even though it was nothing like the time before, it was all the same.
Kyo squeezed his eyes shut and finally let his hand slip off the wall, signaling his surrender. As he gave in to everything sensation of desperation and hopelessness, letting himself lose everything that he had thought he had gained back, everything that he thought he had moved past.
Even though his heart was being torn apart, it was breaking apart in all the same places, and somehow that thought gave him a sort of consolation as his nails dug into his palms to remind him the all pain was human.
I think that everyone we meet in our lives we meet for a reason. They all teach us things about the world or ourselves. Whether it’s for the good or the bad, whether we realize what it is that we’re supposed to learn, or if we just continue on blindly.
I have met a lot of people and I hope I have taken everything I can from all my experiences, from all my encounters. I can separate the things I have discovered because of destiny and what I have found out by chance.
What troubles me the most is that I can’t seem to figure out why I met you. What you were supposed to teach me.
What I want is for you to be the one who taught me love, who showed me how beautiful the world could be. How some things are meant to be, and that maybe, just maybe fate does exist.
What I’m most scared of, and even though with you, I have never been happier any other time in my life, even when things were going badly, I knew that I didn’t want anything else. I couldn’t ask for anything else because you were all that I ever needed. I don’t know what I should have taken away from my time with you.
Whether at the end you are by my side or not, I think that I wouldn’t be able to move on if you were not the person who taught me love. If that was not your purpose, I think my world would be turned upside down more then it has already as been.
The truth is, that I’m not entirely scared of ending up alone, of you leaving. I am terrified of that fact and I don’t think my heart could even pretend to repair itself if you left a second time, but I have gotten through it once. Of course the second time, would probably be just as bad as the first.
What I’m most scared of is that you, the person that I cared… that I care for the most, is the one person who was supposed to teach me pain.
The morning came and went by the time Kyo picked himself up off the floor. He stumbled down the hall to his bathroom, rubbing his neck.
His whole body ached, both physically and mentally. He silently groaned when he saw his appearance in the mirror and quickly turned on his shower, letting the water heat up before stripping down and stepping inside.
He sighed as the hot liquid fell onto him. He wanted to be able to stay under the warm spray all day, but unfortunately he remembered that he had to go to some sort of book reading that afternoon.
Finally forcing himself out of the shower he grabbed a towel and headed to his bedroom. Carefully he chose what to wear for the day before promptly getting dressed to make up the time he had spent picking out his outfit. Heading back the bathroom he brushed his hair and styled it quickly, being able to do so from years of practice.
He frowned as he noticed that the dark bags under his eyes had not disappeared with his shower, at best they had faded slightly. Deciding that he didn’t care or have the time to put on makeup he grabbed his coat and put on his shoes before leaving his apartment. He caught a bus to the bookstore and sat silently, starring out the window at the city, not really seeing anything.
As he entered the store he was met with a few squeals and promptly escorted into a back room by a manager to wait for the event to start. He closed his eyes as he leaned back in the uncomfortable plastic chair he had seated himself in, but at that moment he wanted everything to hurt.
His voice was scratchy as he began to read the first chapter of his book, fifteen minutes later, but refused to drink the cup of water that was poured for him. He purposely met with every single person present just so that he wouldn’t end up going home alone for any longer then he had to.
Finally the store was empty and after shaking hands with the manager Kyo left and began to walk down the darkening streets. He sighed to himself and shoved his hands into his pockets keeping his head down.
“I thought you would have learned to keep your head up when you’re walking.”
The voice snapped Kyo out of his thoughts and he slowly raised his eye up from the pavement. He took a step back and let out a breath he hadn’t finished taking.
“What are you doing here?”
“I was looking for you. I stopped by your place, but you weren’t there. Then I called Kaoru and he mentioned that you had some sort of book thing, so I was heading there.” The red head was standing about five feet in front of him, black suit coat open and tie hanging low around his neck. “I was hoping I could talk you into dinner, or at the very least a cup of coffee?”
Kyo shook his head. “No.” Taking a deep breath he began to walk again, making sure to quickly pass the older man.
“Kyo!” He picked up his pace slightly though not noticeably so, and ignored the other man. “Kyo! Wait up!”
The blond cursed silently as he felt Die wrap a hard around his arm and stop him. “What?” He asked in the strongest voice he could manage.
“What? You just ran away from me is what! What’s up Kyo?” Die didn’t let go of the younger man’s arm, but loosened his grip in a way that almost showed the fear in his eyes that Kyo saw as soon as he dared to look up.
“I…I don’t want to see you right now.” His voice broke and he felt the red heads fingers slip off of him.
“You don’t want to see me now, or you don’t want to see me at all?” Die’s voice sounded as hollow in his ears as he was sure his own did.
“I… I don’t want to see you at all.” He couldn’t believe the words that passed his lips and he surprised even himself with them. He looked up to see Die standing staring at his feet.
The older man nodded slowly. “What changed Kyo? I thought that we were going to…”
“So did I!” Kyo interrupted. “Then what? You ignore me for almost 2 weeks, you don’t call, don’t email me, you don’t do anything. Then you show up and act like that’s alright?” Before he realized it he was shaking. “I can’t do this again Die. I can’t… pretend I’m okay. I can’t just… be on some sort of string for you. I can’t. I just can’t!”
“Kyo… I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. I’ve just been working. I’m so sorry. I mean… I’ve been out of town for the past week.” Die moved forward. “I didn’t know that you would take me not calling that way. I tried to find you as soon as I got back into town.”
Kyo stood staring at the other man, he could only see honestly in Die’s eyes and frowned. “How else was I supposed to take it Die? You left before without a word, and then you show up out of the blue and I put my heart, which I tried so hard to put back together because of you, back on the line, and then just like that, you’re gone again. What is that supposed to make me think, what am I-”
He was cut off by the ringing of Die’s cell phone. The red head pulled it out and sighed. “I have to take this, just a second.” He moved away and Kyo stood frozen as he lifted the phone to his head. “Daisuke…” There was a paused. “Oh no, it’s okay, I wasn’t busy. What’s the problem?” The red head gave a small smile as he continued to listen.
Kyo frowned and shook his head before turning and beginning to walk down the street.
“Kyo!” He heard Die call again. “Kyo! Fuck, look Tsukasa, I’ll call you back okay? I have to go. Kyo!”
Kyo spun around as Die ran to catch up with him. “Why did you leave Die?”
“What?” The red head’s eyes widened.
“Why did you leave? I need to know the reason so that every time you blow me off or don’t call, I don’t think that you’re abandoning me again.”
“Kyo… I…” Die paused and played with his shirt. “Can we go sit down somewhere?”
Kyo frowned and swallowed hard before nodding. “Alright.”
Die led them a few blocks away to a small café before ordering them drinks and finding a table far enough away from everyone else so that they wouldn’t be over heard.
Kyo sat down and watched the older man, not bothering to drink any of his coffee. Die sat across from him and stared at some thing off to his left, where the blond couldn’t see. He doubted that the other man was looking at anything at all.
“When I first met you Kyo, I didn’t know what to think. At first everything was fine, we became friends quickly and well we were together so much. But at the same time, the first time I saw you, I felt different. I don’t know exactly how to explain it, but you changed me. You changed how I looked at everything in an instant, and even though to you, it probably looked like I was as confident as ever, you shook me up. I didn’t know where I stood and then, I realized that I loved you.” Die swallowed and Kyo nodded slowly but didn’t say anything. “When we started dating, it was exactly what I wanted, it was everything that I imagined that a real relationship should be. It was everything I ever pictured for my future. I was happy with you, I have never felt like that at any other time, or with any other person. But, I was so young, you were so young. I didn’t doubt in our relationship or in you, but I doubted in myself.”
Kyo lowered his eyes and gazed at the table. “Die…”
“Right before I graduated, my dad accepted a new position with his company. My parents gave me the option of staying where we were and going to school there, or moving with them to Osaka. I chose to go to Osaka. I knew that meant that we’d be separated, but I wanted that. I was scared for you, because I was scared what I would do to you. I wanted to stay together but at the same time I didn’t. Do you understand?” The older man played with his cup.
“Yeah… I do. I went through the same thing, in my own way I guess. But I do get what you’re saying.” The blond raised his gaze and attempted a smile. “I guess you know that though.”
“Anyways, I kept trying to figure out how to tell you, but every time that we were together, there was never a right time. I mean, how do you tell the love of your life that you’re leaving, and that it was your decision. But that day came so fast and before I knew it I was supposed to leave and I hadn’t mentioned a word of it to you. In fact, I had hidden it from you and everyone else. The truth is, I left because I was scared of how strongly I felt for you. I was scared that you would leave, and I thought that if I was the one who left, that I would be better off that way.”
“Why didn’t you just talk to me?” Kyo sighed feeling almost tired. “Why didn’t you tell me what you were feeling? What you were afraid of?”
“I wasn’t sure how you would react, what you would say.” The older man brushed the hair from his eyes. “I wasn’t sure if knowing what you would have to say would be worth it.”
“So you decided that it was better not to know?” The younger man raised an eyebrow.
“Yes and No. The night before I left… we spent it together, at your house. I remember every single minute of that night. After you fell asleep, I lay there and held you in my arms and whispered everything that I had ever wanted to say to you. Then right before the sun rose I left. I couldn’t bare to say goodbye. I couldn’t bare thinking that this was the last time that I would ever see you, that I would ever hold you, ever see the morning with you in my arms.” Die paused. “As soon as I left I realized that I made a mistake. I knew that I should have been there for you to wake up and at the very least have told you where I was going. But I wanted a clean break. I thought that if I just went without you, if you were just gone, and vice versa, that there would be a chance to move past what we had.”
“You knew what you did was wrong, but you didn’t call me? You didn’t leave a note. You could have been dead for all I knew! Do you really think that was fair to me?” Kyo squeezed his hand into a fist, trembling and fighting back the tears that had formed in his eyes.
“I took the easy way out because I thought that I could live with my decision, I thought that you would be happier, that you would have been able to move on. I thought it would be better if you weren’t hanging onto pieces that I left behind.” He sighed. “If I had run into you and you were happy, if you had moved on and were with another guy or girl, then I could have just gone on. Maybe not have gotten over you but, been able to put you in the past, and live with my own unhappiness because I was the cause of it. But… but when I saw you, when I read your words I knew that you…that you weren’t okay. I knew that I had made the worst mistake of my life, and everything that I was trying to save, I had destroyed.” He reached out across the table and took the blonds hand, running his thumb over the smooth skin. “Kyo, please believe me when I say that I’m truly sorry. I never wanted for you hurt.”
“I know.” Kyo said softly looking up into the chocolate eyes in front of him. “I just… you have to understand that I’m not the same person after what happened. I… I need you to understand that Die. I do want us to try this, I do want you back in my life. But I can’t just be thrown into a corner or pushed aside every time sometime comes up. I know that we both have our jobs and different friends, but I just…”
Die hung his head. “I know. I’ll try my best to do better. I really will.”
“Thank you.” For the first time that day Kyo smiled and the taller man returned it.
Die’s hand traveled up his arm. “You still have that scar?” The soft padded fingers traced the small white line.
“I don’t know how I would have gotten rid of it.” The blond laughed and looked at the ghosting line that marked his skin.
For so long that scar had been like a constant reminder of the ghost that Die had become to him, always haunting him, but now, he wasn’t sure what it was supposed to mean.
The days and weeks I spent with you passed too quickly, still there were moments that continued to stand still in my mind. Dates we went on, and nights that we didn’t do anything except feel each other’s presence. I doubt I could pick out one specific moment that proved to me what we had was real, and not some sort of illusion.
I guess I’m wrong. There is one.
It was a Sunday, and we had been together for a few months, although most people didn’t know about us. It wasn’t as if we were hiding it, if anyone asked we would tell them, it was just easier doing it that way. So we could concentrate on what we wanted and not what the world wanted from us.
You had invited me over to meet your family. I had met your mother and father before, and although it was easy for you mom to accept us, your dad was having a harder time. It was some sort of family event, some one’s birthday I think, and you wanted me to be a part of it. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly, because I didn’t want to make things more awkward then they already were with your father.
You came and picked me up, smiling, although I’m sure you were nervous. My parents weren’t home, they barely ever were. The one time you met them I introduced you as ‘My Die’ and even if they never heard outright from me that we were in fact dating, I was sure they drew their own conclusions.
I held your hand as I walked into your home with you, and I became increasingly nervous when I saw that all of your family was there.
“Die.” I whispered as you pulled me farther into your small house. “I don’t know if I-”
You shook your head. “You’re my boyfriend, and I want you here. I don’t care if some people don’t like it, they’ll have to deal with the fact that you’re going to be here and that I care about you.”
I nodded but my throat was still dry, and it remained dry even as the evening continued to pass. The dinner we had was somewhat strained but for the most part everyone was very kind and seemed to be genuinely nice.
Except for you father. It was after dinner and we were sitting side by side on the couch when he came into the living room interrupting the conversation you were having with one of your cousins.
“Die! Your uncle was telling my about a nice girl that has begun working for him, and I think that you two would really hit it off.” He smiled a sort of lop sided grin and looked at you expectantly.
You sighed and brushed the hair from your face. “Dad, you know that I’m dating Kyo, there’s no need to embarrass yourself.” Your eyes fell to the drink that he was holding in his hand.
“Oh come on, I know that you’ll grow out of this! Don’t be stupid.” He was still smiling but I could tell it was more forced.
“I care about Kyo.” Was all you said.
I could feel my face heating up and the room had grown quiet. “Die, I think I should go home, it’s getting late.” I leaned over and whispered.
“No, you’re staying.” You took my hand and squeezed it.
“He can go if he wants.” You dad interrupted. “Maybe he has another boyfriend that’s just dying to give it to him u p the ass.”
You jumped to your feet. “Don’t you dare talk about Kyo like that!” You hissed and I stood up moving away slightly but you reached out to stop me.
“What? It’s the truth isn’t it? Your little gay friend likes it that way.” At that time your mom came out of the kitchen and put a hand on his shoulder.
“Honey,” She began but he brushed her off.
“I said, do not to talk about Kyo that way.” You were shaking and I reached out to try to calm you.
“What are you going to do about it? You’re just as bad as him! You’re disgusting and your little boyfriend there is probably just filthy.”
“Dear, I think that’s enough, just leave them.” You mother looked from him to you in a pleading sort of way.
You walked out from around the coffee table and I followed closely behind you. “I’ll forgive you this once because you’re drunk, but don’t think I’ll forget it. Next time you talk to me, you’d better be ready to apologize.” I was both shocked and impressed at the way you stood up to your father and blushed as you entwined our fingers. “Come on Kyo, let’s go.”
“Don’t walk away from me.” I heard the voice and felt you fall into me more then I saw you father hit you. You stumbled and helped me regain my balance properly before turning back to your dad.
“I’m not doing this with you Dad.” You said softly keeping your head bent. My eyes were wide and I saw him raise his hand again and the next thing that I remember was falling.
I don’t know exactly how I fell backward, and I have no memory between when I saw your head swing back from the punch and when I was looking across at you from my position on the floor a few feet away.
I blinked a few times and could see your mother pulling your dad from the room, and he obviously still quite upset. I sat there dazed for a few seconds until I heard you cough and felt a searing pain start to burn the back of my right arm, which brought me back to my senses. Quickly I crawled over to you and pushed the hair back from your face.
“Die,” I mumbled as I ran my thumb over your cheek. I could see where your skin was starting to swell and where it would soon discolour beneath your left eye. “Are you okay?”
You nodded slowly and tried to smile but I could tell it hurt a bit when you stopped. “I’m sorry Kyo… I had no idea.”
“It’s okay.” I smiled and leaned over to kiss your cheek lightly. “I’m going to go get some ice okay?” You nodded and I picked myself up and went to the kitchen. You dad was sitting in the adjoining dining room with his head in his hands and your mom was at the sink wetting a wash cloth.
“Oh Kyo,” She smiled hesitantly until I returned it, trying to reassure her that I understood.
“Could I have some ice?” I asked and she nodded quickly preparing a small plastic bag of ice cubes and pushing it as well as a first aid kit into my hand before going to her husband.
When I returned to the living room you were sitting on the couch and resting your head on the back with your eyes closed. I moved to sit next to you, we were alone in the room by then and I took your one hand gently, and put the bag into your other.
“Thank you.” You opened one eye and squeezed my hand as you raised the ice to your eye.
“Die.” I began after awhile, resting my head on your shoulder. You made a small noise to let me know you were listening. “Thank you for standing up for me.”
“Kyo! I would never let anyone talk about you that way, especially when I know that it isn’t true. I would never let some one hurt you.”
“Die…” I shut my eyes and breathed deeply. “I was so scared when I saw you on the ground there. I mean, I didn’t think that you were…but I couldn’t stand knowing that you were hurt. I couldn’t imagine, I wouldn’t know what to do if something happened to you.”
“Kyo,” I felt your fingers on my chin, and slowly I reopened my eyes and met yours. “I feel the same.” You swallowed and lowered your lips to meet mine. “Kyo, I love you.”
Your words were barely more then a breath on my lips but I heard them nonetheless.
“I love you too Die.” I smiled and you moved to wrap your arms around me and for the briefest, most serene of moments, I felt I could actually touch that emotion.
You moved to pull away a few seconds later but abruptly stopped.
“Kyo,” I felt your fingers pulling at my shirt and followed your gaze down to my right arm. “You’re bleeding.”
I could see that my shirt had a small rip in it and that the fabric had been stained red. “Oh.” Was all I could say as you slowly peeled it away from my arm, it was only then that I started to feel the dull pain just below my elbow again.
“Kyo! This is deep.” You quickly grabbed the first aid kit that I had left on the table and rolled up my sleeve. I stared as you began to clean the vertical cut and bandaged it. “You should get this look at.” You murmured as you finished wrapping it.
“No, it’ll be fine.” I smiled slightly as I looked up into your worried face. “I didn’t even notice I was bleeding, I was too worried about you.”
“I don’t want it to scar.” You ran a finger over the white gauze.
“It will no matter what we do. Besides, now whenever I look at it, it’ll remind me of you. I t will remind me of tonight.” I nodded and relaxed against you.
You groaned. “I don’t know why you would want to remember tonight.”
I laughed. “Well for one, today was the first day that we said…” I shook my head. “And besides, it showed me that even though sometimes things are going to get bad, that together we can get through them. That we have to take the good with the bad. I know that this cut will heal, all physical wounds will, but it doesn’t matter, because I would go through so much more for you.”
“Kyo…” I knew you couldn’t find the words you wanted to say, but I didn’t protest as you leaned down until your lips met mine again.
“Um… boys?” We broke apart and both turned almost worriedly towards the kitchen to where your Dad was standing hesitantly in the door way leading to the living room.
“What do you want?” I could hear the venom in your voice.
“I wanted to apologize. I know that it’s probably too late, but I do regret what I said, and what I did. Kyo,” he turned and looked at me. “I didn’t mean what I said. It’s just, this… this relationship was such a shock to me and I’ve had trouble dealing with it.” He sighed and stuck his hands in his pockets. “It’s just I love my son, and when he was born, I promised to love him no matter what. I didn’t understand what the two of you shared and because of that it worried me, because I didn’t want him to get hurt. But now I can see that you two aren’t just messing around, and that you actually do care for one another. And you make Die happy, I know that, I can see it. I’m sorry for acting like an idiot, there’s no excuse for what I did and I hope that you can forgive me. From now on, I’ll do my best to support your relationship.”
His head was hung and I looked side ways at you, your mouth was hanging open slightly.
“Dad…” You blinked and stood up walking over to your father before hugging him.
I smiled and nodded as your mom came out to make sure everything was going alright, and for the first time that night I saw your dad really smile.
You took me home awhile later and kissed me goodnight. As you walked away I rested my fingers on the bandage on my arm and smiled.
In a strange way I was happy for the scar that the cut would fade into. I knew that it would be there even at the times that you weren’t. I knew that for me it showed what love meant. It meant good and bad, happiness and pain, healing and breaking.
I thought it would be a sign of what we shared, little did I know that I would be left alone with it to remind me of how things should have found their way back together.
Kyo smiled across the table at the older man who was telling a story about what happened during one of his weekly business trips. They had just finished dinner at some downtown restaurant that Die had dragged him out to.
In reality, Kyo didn’t mind at all. He was happy spending time with the other man and with the way their relationship had progressed in the last few months.
At first for him, it was weird, but now he could see how far they’d come from their first meeting at the bookstore. He knew that it wasn’t the same relationship that they had in high school, it was far from it, but that too was alright. He could see all the small cracks in what they were trying to build again, and even though in the back of his mind they screamed worries at him when he would look at Die, he found the courage to try to fix them, to look past them.
“Ready to go?” Die stood up and extended a hand to help him to his feet. Just as they were leaving the restaurant the red head’s cell phone started going off. Kyo didn’t look up but heard the taller man sigh before silencing the call. “I just get back, and they call.”
Kyo laughed along with the other man and felt hope rising in his chest. Although they had to work on their relationship, he felt like it was worth it. He had seen how much both of them had grown, how much they had both sacrificed and gained in the time that they had spent together.
“What do you want to do now? Do you have to go to work in the morning?” Kyo asked as they entwined their fingers as they walked down the darkened street.
“No I don’t, so I’m all yours tonight.” Die ran a hand through his hair and raised an eyebrow.
“You’re horrible.” Kyo used his free had to hit the older man gently on the arm. “But seriously, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know. How about we go to my place for awhile?” The taller man stopped walking abruptly and swallowed hard turning to look at the blond.
“Alright.” Kyo smiled.
“I… I meant that we could go, watch a movie… or something.” Die stumbled over his words and his cheeks began to heat up.
“I said okay.” The blond looked up and met the older man’s eyes.
“So, your place then?” Kyo raised an eyebrow, imitating the taller man.
Die nodded and they continued their walk towards the red head’s car, and he stopped and opened the door for the blond. Kyo swallowed hard and kept his gaze out the window watching the city pass them by.
He had only been to Die’s place a few times, a one-bedroom apartment in Shibuya with an incredible view of the rest of the city from the top story. He couldn’t possible imagine what Die paid for the place, but he was sure that with the older man’s job, he didn’t even have to think twice about what he had to spend.
They arrived at the building about ten minutes later and after pulling into the underground parking and taking the elevator up twenty-five stories, they walked into the older man’s apartment.
“So a movie?” Die asked as he went to grab drinks from the fridge.
“I thought that was the plan.” Kyo fidgeted in his spot on the couch, he felt nervous and for some reason he wasn’t sure why.
Die joined him and they settled together as Die randomly chose a film before wrapping his arm around the shorter man.
Kyo could hear both his and Die’s heart beat echoing in his ears and counted the times that they became one before continuing in their own patterns. His stomach tightened as Die’s fingers began to graze against the bare skin on his upper arm.
Kyo smiled and titled his head upwards slightly and closed his eyes as he felt Die’s lips on his own. He shuddered as he pushed himself closer, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss.
Kyo had waited more then a couple dates before he had let Die kiss him at all, but once he had felt the red head’s warm lips on his again, it had brought back many more emotions for him. All the nights that they had spent together came rushing back as well as all the times he had spent alone.
He felt Die’s tongue slide past his lips and gently rub against his own and it was enough to snap him out of his thoughts and feel the heat of pressing so close to the older man. He moaned softly as the taller man’s teeth pulled on his lip slightly as they broke apart, both breathing heavily.
He trembled as he raised his eyes to meet with the other man’s, even as his fingers tightened on the fabric of the red head’s shirt to keep himself sitting upright, Kyo couldn’t help but feel nervous.
He bit his lip as he felt Die’s lips graze his jaw and begin to trail down his neck, tracing familiar patterns and stopping at all the right places.
Kyo pulled the taller man towards him and at the same time pushed himself forward. He gasped as Die’s finger’s tightened on his hip and pulled away slightly. The red head lifted his gaze and smiled shakily.
Before he knew it, Kyo was nodding and felt the older man’s hand enclose his own.
Fingers still entwined they got up and made their way to Die’s bedroom. Kyo shook slightly as he slowly pulled off his shirt as Die shut the door. He looked around the room, it showed to him more then anything the time that had passed since the last time they were together. But not only how and what things had changed but all the ways that they had.
All the distance that was still between them, but as Die came up behind him and pulled him to his chest, fingers tracing patterns on his stomach, he felt like time had all blended together, that it had all been running away from him to that moment, and as he turned his head so he could see the red head and pressed their lips together, he felt like he could finally grab onto it, that it could no longer slip through his fingers.
He felt the other man’s hands begin to undo his belt and he gave into the sensations that he had longed for for so long.
Even though he had been with a few people since Die had left, in a half hearted attempt to move on, to prove that he was fine, it had been a while since he was with anyone and his heart jumped slightly as he unbuttoned the older man’s pants and gently pulled them down off his hips.
Die smiled. “You’re still so impatient.” He laughed lightly and kissed the blond as Kyo stepped out of his own pants.
“I think I’ve waited long enough.” He whispered breathily turning in the red head’s embrace so that they were pressed against each other. He heard Die moan as he got on his tiptoes to press their lips together, hungry for the contact, for the feeling of the older man’s skin.
He could feel Die backing him up towards the bed and gave in to the other man letting himself be dominated completely. He could feel Die’s fingernails dig into his skin and he fell back onto the soft mattress.
It was the first time that he had been in the older man’s room but he didn’t care to look around once his lips connected with the red head’s again. He let Die move him into a better position on the mattress, never once breaking the kiss.
As Die finally broke away and continued the path down his neck and onto his chest that he had begun in the living room, Kyo opened his eyes and gazed at Die’s naked body in the dim moonlight coming through the cracks in the blinds.
It wasn’t the first time that he had seen the other man naked, yet as his eyes roamed over the exposed skin he felt the growing anticipation in his lower abdomen and bit his lip as the red heads tongue traced his hipbone.
The first time they had been together had been as awkward as it was beautiful, but this time, even though there were pauses in both of their actions, Kyo could tell that they still knew all the right places, all the right touches.
He moaned as Die began to suck gently on the inside of his thigh once again capturing his attention. He felt his breath hitch and reached down to run his hand through the older man’s hair before moving into a sitting position so he could reach better and continued to trail his fingers down the taller man’s back, before reaching around and wrapping his hand around Die’s length.
“Kyo.” He felt the other man stiffen and still as he began to move his hand up and down, running his thumb over the tip every few strokes. He heard the other man moan where his head had fallen against the blond’s shoulder.
He quickened his pace until Die’s hand tightened around his arm and stopped him. He met the older man’s lips as his legs were gently pushed apart exposing him completely to Die.
He breathed deeply and met the chocolate eyes gazing at him from the other end of the bed. Die leaned over him and dug through a drawer next to the bed before pulling out a small bottle of lubricant before pausing, his hand still hovering over the open drawer.
“Do you want me to use a-” He asked hesitantly.
Kyo frowned before answering. “I trust you.” He whispered and Die nodded moving back to between his legs and spreading some of the lubricant on his fingers. He leaned down gently kissing the tip of the blonds length before trailing his tongue down it in a teasing way, never really taking all of it into this mouth.
Die pulled back slightly and circled Kyo’s entrance with one of his slick fingers before moving it inside of the smaller man.
Kyo moaned as the finger thrust in and out of him, at first slowly then faster. Die shortly added a second finger, then a third, scissoring them and stretching the short blond.
Kyo panted and grabbed onto the sheets as Die’s fingers angled and hit his prostate almost perfectly the first time. He whimpered as he felt the stimulations end and the fingers slide out of him all too soon. He opened his eyes, which he hadn’t realized that he had closed and gazed down at Die as the red head moved into a better position.
He could feel himself behind to trembled as the taller man’s head pressed against him, pausing slightly. He leaned up on his elbows, gently running his fingers down the red heads forearm.
Die looked up at him and smiled shakily before pressing himself into the younger man. Kyo breathed in sharply as he adjusted to the feeling of the other man inside of him. His legs felt weak and every part of his body screamed for the older man’s touch.
Without giving Die any signal that he was ready, the other man already began to pull out of him, still recognizing how their bodies worked together.
The pace at first was almost uncertain, but as soon they began to fall into their old comfort state, Die moved faster, holding onto Kyo’s hip with one hand and the other wrapping itself around his length. He wasn’t exactly slamming into the younger man, but he wasn’t being gentle either, giving the blond exactly the combination of pleasure and pain that all but made his heart stop and his senses go wild.
Kyo wrapped his legs around the older man forcing them together. His heart was racing and he felt the growing heat in his stomach.
“Die.” He gasped out, as Die thrust shallowly enough to hit his spot. The older man smiled as Kyo through his head back.
He could feel the other man’s actions becoming more and more erratic and knew that he was nearing his release.
The hand on him, which had started off pumping at the same time as Die’s thrusts, had now become almost frantic. He withered underneath the red head, as moans spilled over his lips.
He heard Die groan and he shivered. He looked up and met the chocolate eyes signaling that he too was ready.
Kyo felt Die’s hand squeeze him particularly hard and moving up as he thrust in, he let his thumb run across the tip and that was enough for Kyo.
“Die!” He cried as he threw his head back against the mattress reaching out to try to grab onto something as the room spun around him and he trembled.
He felt Die move in him a few times before pushing all the way in and stiffening, his name falling off the red head’s swollen parted lips. He felt the older man’s hand move off his hip and entwined with his own. Die’s head was still thrown back and Kyo could see the sweat moistened skin shine slightly before the older man pulled out of him.
He breathed deeply a few times at the loss and in an effort to calm his over sensitive body. Die moved and lay next to him smiling shakily.
“Kyo…” The red head pressed his lips to the blond’s forehead and brushed the dampened hair from his eyes. Kyo raised his gaze, which were drifting closed as his heart beat slowly calmed down and shifted slightly. “Will you spend the night?”
It had been a long time since he had heard the older man’s voice so uncertain and it broke his heart in just the right way so that it healed a part of it he didn’t even know was still broken.
“Yes.” He nodded slowly, his orgasm still over powering him.
“Would you like to join me in the shower then?”
“Yes,” Kyo leaned into the red head’s embrace. “But just lay here with me for a minute.”
He heard Die laugh lightly and tighten his arms around him.
He closed his eyes and for the first time he felt like all the distance that remained between him and Die had vanished. He swallowed hard but knew that this time, that closeness wouldn’t disappear.
I don’t know if perfection exists in the real word. I don’t think that any of us truly understands what that word even means.
When I try to imagine a perfect world, I’m at a loss. Because if we didn’t have to hurt or cry, even if we didn’t get our hearts broken or have to fall to our knees in utter agony, I don’t know how good of a world it would actually be.
How could we get to dizzying heights of happiness without being buried by despair at least once? How would we recognize the good times from the bad? How would we know how beautiful happiness and love are, if we never knew the ugliness of hate?
With you, I think it’s the closest to human perfection that I’ve ever been. I know that I wouldn’t change the pain of losing you, I wouldn’t dry all the tears I have cried, or wish them away, because now I know without any doubt what you mean to me. And I know that it is the same for you. I can feel it in the way you squeeze my hand even though it’s not necessary.
Sometimes I want to hold my breath just to make sure that the moment won’t pass before my eyes.
But I know it won’t, my heart tells me so, and in this perfect world of imperfections, for once I believe it.
Kyo took a sip of his coffee and flipped through the newspaper that had been delivered to Die’s door earlier that morning. He didn’t know why he had woken up so early, but for once he didn’t mind.
He had stayed, tangled in the red head’s sheets, listening to the other man’s breathing and heartbeat long before he even dared to open his eyes. He had stayed and memorized the older man’s face all over again, taking in all the new lines and smiling to himself now that he knew where they had come from.
After he had been dragged into the shower, they had spent most of the night talking, about everything and nothing at all. They laughed as they shared their memories from high school and finally shared everything that they had done during their time apart. Kyo felt like he now knew the older man again.
When he had finally got up from the bed, and managed to find the coffee in the kitchen he had walked around for a good five or ten minutes while the dark brewing liquid filled the room with it’s aroma.
Then it had taken him another five minutes to find something to drink out of before settling himself at the table where he was now.
He went to take another sip when he heard a familiar noise. He frowned and looked around the apartment for a moment trying to remember where he put his phone. Finally he found it in his coat pocket and pulled it out before lifting it to his ear.
“Hi Kaoru.” He smiled.
“Hey Kyo. Wait, are you awake?” The surprise in the older man’s voice made him laugh.
“Yeah, I’ve been up for awhile.”
“Where are you?”
“At Die’s.” He answered simply.
“What?” Kaoru’s voice reached a pitch that the blond hadn’t heard in a long time. “Wait… does that mean that you two finally…”
“Kyo! I didn’t need to know that!”
Kyo fought to hold back his laughter. “You asked!” He covered his mouth with a hand so that he wouldn’t wake up Die.
“Well… well it’s about time.” Kaoru laughed. “I’m happy things are working out for the two of you. Where is Die anyways?”
“Doesn’t he have to work?”
“Probably.” Kyo shrugged.
“Shouldn’t you get him up then?”
“No, he can take a day off.”
“You’re horrible.” Kaoru laughed. “So how about dinner then? The three of us? Like old times.”
“Sounds good. Call me later and the two of you can talk and figure out a place. Have fun at work ok?”
“Very funny. Talk to you later.”
Kyo relaxed back into his chair as he closed the phone. He finished reading the few articles in the paper before deciding he should probably cook some sort of breakfast.
It took him longer then he’d expected, with figuring out what to make, finding all the ingredients and where everything was in the red head’s kitchen and by the time he was done Die had stumbled out of the bedroom and locked himself in the bathroom.
Kyo shook his head as he put the french toast he had prepared onto plates and set them on the table.
Die came into the kitchen just as he was pouring him a cup of coffee.
“Thanks.” The older man mumbled and flopped onto a chair, the mug instantly being raised to his lips.
“I thought I was the bad one in the morning.” Kyo laughed and brushed the hair from his eyes.
“You are.” Die smiled and blinked a few times. “Hey! You made breakfast.”
“What time is it?” The red head began to eat.
“What! I’m almost four hours late for work!” Die jumped up from the table and just as he went to run from the room Kyo grabbed onto his arm and steered him back to the table.
“You’re taking a day off. I’m sure you have lots of those stored up.” He grinned. “Besides we’re meeting Kaoru for dinner tonight.”
Die sighed but grinned showing that he surrendered but that he was happy about it.
Die turned and pressed his lips to the blond’s forehead. “I love you.” He whispered against the skin.
Kyo closed his eyes and took a moment to breath in the other man. “I love you too.”
They spent the day watching T.V and talking, touching, kissing. Kyo felt like all his memories were blending together. All the good times from the past were coming back to him, and from what he experienced in the last few months gave him hope for the future.
They ended up at a noodle bar and as soon as Die and Kaoru arrived and stared each other down for a few minutes, all the remaining tension that was in the air seemed to vanish.
Kyo turned his head and looked at the red head. Watching as he brushed the hair from his face, or laughed. Out of habit he traced the line on his arm, just below the elbow and smiled.
Out of everything he had pictured for his life, this is what he wanted to most, and somehow, everything that he had gone through made it all that much better, all that much more precious.
He didn’t know how long he sat and gazed at the older man, allowing all his feelings, thoughts and memories just wash over him, but finally he felt the soft padded fingers on his shoulder.
“Hey Kyo, your food is getting cold.” The breath on his ear caused him to shiver and reminded him that everything in his heart was real.
Kyo’s eyes met Die’s chocolate brown ones and just like it always had, and he suspected it always would, time stopped, just for the two of them, so that they would share a second that no one else could ever touch.
Sometimes it’s strange how things work out, but then again maybe it isn’t. Maybe we’re just too blind to see that this was how it was supposed to be all along.
You’ve turned my world upside down and shook me up completely in more than one way, at more then one time, but through it all, through everything that has happened between us I can still believe in you, in me, in us.
I look across the room at you and smile even though I know you don’t realize I’m watching. There are so many things I could say about you, so many things I’d rather keep locked in my memories just so that moment will always remain ours, and ours alone.
Even though I haven’t held your hand the whole way through this life, I think in a way I always have, because even in the worst of times, I always knew that at the end I would be beside you. I don’t know if this is an end, I don’t know if I can give it a proper ending.
At times I’m still scared that one morning I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone again, I’m still scared of loving you. I think that it’s alright though, I think it’s good to be afraid, to hurt, to be human, because as humans we can love, and at whatever end we may have, whether it’s tomorrow of fifty years from now, I know that as long I stay true to my heart, I’ll be able to live with what comes.
Maybe I’ve been able to, maybe I still can, believe in happy endings because all along you have.