Bands: Dir en grey
Pairings: DiexKyo, mentions of KyoxToshiya, DiexShinya
Synopsis: “I don’t want forever.”
“Then what do you want?”
There was only one thing I could have, there’s only one thing I could offer back to him. “Tonight.”
Disclaimer: Don’t own…
Comments: This is was the first DiexKyo fic I wrote… well I just finished it tonight, I’ve been ‘working’ on it for almost a year now I think. There are parts of it I like and parts I’m not sure about, but I thought I’d share it anyways. Hope you enjoy ^^ <3
.:.My Fanfic Archive.:.
I’ve been watching him for a while now. I’ve been watching how he moves, how he talks, how he slides his tongue across his bottom lip when he’s nervous or turned on. I’m not sure when I started to look at him that way, or even why. I’m not sure when I started to notice the little things. How different he looks from the side instead of when you look straight at him. Or how when his roots start to grow in, he begins to style his hair differently to try to hide them.
I’m not even sure when I stopped observing him and began wanting him. Then again I’m not sure that I even want him now. You see I’m in a very happy relationship with the most amazing man, and I love him with all of my heart. I would never want to hurt him and I know I wouldn’t be the same without him. I’m not bored with my relationship and the sex is always…well I don’t think there is a word to describe it.
But when I look at Die, I can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be with him. To go home to him, to hold his hand, to taste him. When I am around Die, no matter how much I love Toshiya, I can’t help but be drawn into this fascination I have with our guitarist.
It doesn’t help that Die is with Shinya either. There is no way that we could be together. It would never work in the long run anyways. But even though I know all of this, it doesn’t change anything.
I look across the train at the red head and swallow. We’re headed to Osaka to do some sort of interview. Kaoru is doing one in Tokyo. Toshiya and Shinya are in Nagano of all places. I’m not sure how we ended up getting paired off like this but now I’m in one of the most awkward situations of my life. Not that Die has noticed anything.
I don’t think he has even noticed the change in me when I am around him. How I get weak in the knees and butterflies in my stomach. How I can never find the right thing to say or how I tense up when either Toshiya or Shinya comes over.
Then again sometimes I could swear he looks at me the same way I look at him. I can see the way he hesitates or shakes slightly when we touch. He looks over at me and raises an eyebrow.
“Something wrong Kyo?”
I almost want to pour my soul out to him.
“Just thinking.” Almost.
“What about?” He asks and moves from across the compartment to sit across from me. Well I guess it’s now or never. After all, it’s almost as if fate has brought us together for this time.
He laughs and shakes his head. I know he doesn’t believe me. I sit there patiently as he turns back to me, his almond eyes meeting with my chocolate ones.
“Kyo…” he says softly. Now he knows I am telling the truth. We look at each other, I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. Finally he reaches over and brushes a hair from my face. “What do you want?”
“What do you want?” He smiles and turns slightly pink.
“I’m with Shinya you know.”
“I’m with Toshiya.”
He sighs and I bite down on my lip.
“It wouldn’t work.” He finally says.
“It doesn’t have to.”
He frowns and looks into my eyes again. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t want forever.”
“Then what do you want?”
There is only one thing I could have, there is only one thing I could offer back to him “Tonight.”
He nods and runs his fingers down the side of my face. “It wouldn’t be right for us to want more.” He moves into the seat next to me and puts an arm around my shoulders. We both know that tonight we belong to each other. We don’t have to say anything else.
The interview ends, and I follow him out of the building, we both know that Kaoru will be happy with it. Now we have until the tomorrow morning before our train leaves. Before we go back to our lives. He turns around as soon as we’re out on the street and moves to take my hand. I smile and so does he. His skin feels so different from Toshiya’s and I know I should feel guilty, but somehow I can’t.
“Would you like to get something to eat?” He asks leading me down the street.
We walk into some restaurant and he sits next to me. I don’t mind in the slightest and shift closer to him. It’s weird how this fits together so well. How he knows what small touches make me smile, and I can tell when he expects me to say something. I let him order, after knowing each other for so long, I trust that he knows what I will enjoy. When our waitress leaves he puts an arm around my shoulders.
“Kyo,” he says turning to face me.
“Why didn’t we do this before?” I meet his eyes and I can tell he is desperately searching for an answer.
“Because you’re dating Shinya and I’m with Toshiya?”
“I met you before I met Shinya, and well before you met Toshiya.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I look at him
“You know exactly what it means.” He looks down and bites his lip.
“You never said anything.”
“Neither did you.” He meets my eyes and I sigh.
“I never knew how to say it, I was never sure that I wanted to say it.”
“Why did you say it now then?”
“Because I could tell that the chance was slowly slipping threw my fingers. I didn’t want to regret not saying anything.”
He nods and pulls me closer to him. I look up at him and he smiles. “I’m happy you did.” He leans down and closes the distance between us. His lips brush my own and I feel the familiar tingling sensation that only he causes sweep over my body. He pulls away and stares into my eyes, as if to make sure that what he did was alright. I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him back down.
The way his lips meet with mine, the way he slides his tongue into my mouth and how it slowly meets with my own, is all so new, but it feels so right, so familiar. As though we had been doing it our whole lives.
Finally we pull away from each other. I look up at him and he smiles. I’ve always loved Die’s smile, long before I loved him I loved it. He had always been the most beautiful person in the world to me when he smiles. I’m not sure if it’s because of how innocent, how free he looks when he smiles, or if he is the only person I know that only smiles when they are truly happy. When Die smiles, I know he isn’t faking it, that he isn’t lying.
“Die…” I say softly and run my hand through his hair. “Are you scared?” I manage to get out after what seems like forever.
He frowns and looks at me. “Scared of what?”
“Scared that Shinya will find out? No. Scared that Toshiya or Kaoru will find out? No. Scared of kissing you or touching you? No. Scared of what I feel when I’m with you? Yeah, that scares me, in fact, I’m fucking terrified.” He looks away and I take his hand in mine, squeezing it reassuringly.
The waitress comes and brings us our food. I smile at her and he says thank you. He begins to serve me and I rest against him. We eat and talk of everyday things; the weather, movies, music. What we don’t talk about is what’s waiting for us when we get back to Tokyo.
We leave the restaurant and begin to make our way back to the hotel. There’s nothing we have to say, nothing that’s left to say, but so many things that I wished could be said.
The time is passing too fast but at the same time too slow.
We rent a movie and curl up on one of the two beds in the room. To me, we’re so far away from what’s right, from what is supposed to be that it seems that we’re in a whole different world.
He moves to pull me close and I rest against his chest. I breath him in, trying to memorize the smell of his cologne, trying to trap the moment and hide it away from the universe, trying to keep it from the setting sun.
“Kyo?” I raise my head so I can meet his eyes. “What are you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking about anything except this.” I move my hand and end up resting it on his leg. In front of us the movie continues to play, but I realize that I haven’t been paying attention to it at all.
“What do you think about this?” He asks and brushes the hair from my face.
“I think that it’s perfect.” I pause and lick my drying lips. “It scares me a bit, but I think I like that too.”
He laughs lightly but at the same time I can hear him swallow. “Me too.” He hesitates slightly then leans down and presses his lips to mine.
My eyes remain open and I see what he does more then I feel it. I give in to him and he caresses my cheek laying me down on the bed.
I was aware of the direction we were going but it does not matter. I want it, I want him. I open my mouth slightly and let him slide his tongue in.
He runs his hand down my side and I shiver. It’s not enough but it’s too much. My fingers find their way to his hips and I grip onto them. Having him above me is too hot and I shift slightly.
He pauses and pulls away already breathing heavily. “We can stop if you want.”
“I don’t want to stop.” I breathe out and he nods.
I close my eyes and let him take me, I let him have every part of me, and I know that there was never a chance I would have been able to keep it from him.
I open my eyes and watch his bare chest rise and fall in the moonlight coming through the open curtains. I slip out from under his arm and move to the window. I can feel tears forming in my eyes. I can feel my heart break apart and as light from the city outside illuminates me I can feel it become whole again.
I feel lost but somehow I find what I have been looking for when I turn and see Die’s red hair spread across the pillow.
I look outside once more before returning to the bed. I cover us properly and let the darkness over come me.
I feel him get out of bed before I hear the alarm. I roll over and open my eyes. He smiled and leans down to kiss my forehead.
“Want some breakfast?” He asks softly and I nod. I watch him as he moves around the room, making sure to take note of the little things he did. I knew that this would be the only time I would see him like this.
He offers me a hand and I join him in the shower. I take in every inch of his body, this time in the light and I blush slightly.
I let him kiss me again, and the butterflies in my stomach never relent. I want these memories, I want these feelings, even though as we dry each other off I curse it. It hurts and it is what I want to live for.
Breakfast arrives and we eat together in silence. I know that there is sometime he wants to say and I fear that it is the same thing I want to.
We get dressed and I begin to pack our bags. I feel comfort in his presence but I also am uneasy.
He stands and looks out the window at the sun rising over the city, a smoke between his fingers.
“You know, it could be like this.” He says softly and I know this is what he though of all morning.
“You know it can’t” I squeeze my eyes shut and I hear him sigh.
“Because you’re with Shinya and I’m with Toshiya.”
“We both know that doesn’t matter.”
“We both know we lost our chance a long time ago.”
I sit down and listen to his breathing. All the questions I had before we did this have been answered, but they’re still there.
“Why not?” He finally asks again. It’s my turn to sigh, because I’m not sure I can give him the answer he wants. The answer I want as well.
“Because, all we were meant to have was one night. We have no right to want more, or ask for more. What we had in the last twenty-four hours was perfection. But perfection doesn’t exist in the real world.”
He turns around and looks at me. We said a lot to each other in the past day without words but there are three words that have been lingering in the air. He opens his mouth and I sit there waiting.
“At least we had that one night.” I nod and he turns back around.
We sit across from each other on the train back to Tokyo, as if everything was still the same, as if nothing had happened. We’re nearing our stop, I know that the rest of the band will be waiting for us there. I swallow and look sideways at him. I see that he’s looking at me. He gets up and moves over to my side of the compartment.
“Kyo…” he says softly tilting my chin up. “We can still…” I know he can’t finish his sentence.
“It’s too late.” I say and he nods.
“Can’t we try?”
“Die, what we had was a once in a lifetime sort of thing, anything we do now will ruin it. It’s better to remember how beautiful it was then to try to turn it into something that it was never meant to be.”
“Kyo…” His eyes meet my own and for just this moment I could swear my heart stopped. “I love you.”
“I love you too Die.”
The train begins to slow and he leans forward and kisses me tenderly on the lips before moving back to his side. I watch him and smile. I am happy I got the chance to know him, to be with him, to love him. I am happy that I was given a taste of perfection, and that I will never have to have that memory spoiled.
The train comes to a stop and I stand up. We meet each others eyes one last time, both knowing that we will never be the same. I follow him outside and squint in the bright sun light. In a second Toshiya has wrapped his arms around me. I pull him closer knowing that I could never want anything more then what I have now, that I have no right to want anything more then what I have now, because now, in the end, I am completed because of him, because of that one night.