Genre: OS, angst, slight fluff
Bands: Dir en grey
Synopsis: At first he didn’t know what caused it, but as began to realize it, he felt his heart still and himself break to pieces. He never need to see the head of bright red hair to know when Die was around him, he just felt it, felt it in every part of his body and soul.
Disclaimer: Don’t own…
Comments: I started this earlier in the week but decided to finish it today when I thought of the full title at work lol. Hope you all like it! <3
.:.My Fanfic Archive.:.
The water underneath the bridge was a crystal blue. Kyo had never seen it so clear. Maybe it was because it was spring and most of the snow had melted into it. He sighed and shifted slightly. The air was thick and he didn’t know why. He was on edge and all his nerves were tingling. He was getting used to the sensation, it had been happening to him for years. At first he didn’t know what caused it, but as began to realize it, he felt his heart still and himself break to pieces. He never need to see the head of bright red hair to know when Die was around him, he just felt it, felt it in every part of his body and soul.
He trembled as the feelings began to overwhelm him and out of the corner of his eye he saw the taller man’s hand close around the railing he had been slightly leaning over to see the stream.
“Hi.” He heard the guitarist familiar voice ring in his ear and he breathed deeply trying to calm himself.
“Hi, I’ve been waiting for you.” He swallowed and moved to acknowledge the other man.
“Sorry I’m a bit late.” There was hesitation in Die’s voice, Kyo could hear it, he knew every small thing that the other man did, he knew when he was happy or sad or angry just by his habits or watching him move.
“It’s alright, I knew you would be.”
It had been so long since he had accepted how he felt towards the red head that he had begun observing all the little things that you usually only notice once you become a couple. But they had not taken that step, they were no closer to it then they had been years before when they met. To him, they were nothing more then two strangers standing a foot apart on the worn wooden bridge.
“I wasn’t expecting you to call today, I figured you would be sick of me after the tour. I mean Kaoru only gave us a few days off.” He could hear the smile in the older man’s voice and didn’t need to turn his head.
He had been looking at the guitarist’s smile when all his feelings had hit him. He was younger then, and less aware, or maybe it was more, of his emotions. Maybe time had dulled them, because he was painfully aware that it had not lessened them.
“I’d be with you every minute of everyday if I could. I’d stand by your side and grow old with you if you’d let me Die. I’d never get tired of you.”
There was a slightly breeze, Kyo noted and because of it he could smell Die’s cologne easier then if there hadn’t. Scent was another thing he had picked up with time. He could always tell when the other man got a new shampoo or even when he was trying to cut back on smoking.
“I’ll be honest, I was hoping that we’d have a chance to talk. I was just too scared to call you myself.”
Kyo heard the soft ruffling of fabric and realized that Die was moving. His heart began to beat faster and he tightened his grip on the metal rail. The pause gave him a few seconds to collect his thoughts.
“You wanted to talk to me? Why?”
Again the guitarist shifted from foot to foot. “You see I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately…”
Kyo could tell that this wasn’t easy for the older man to say and he stood completely still.
More then anything else at that moment he wanted to hear the guitarist words, but a sense of dread began to build in his stomach. He cursed his bad ideas and bit the inside of his lip so that the taller man couldn’t see, because even if he wasn’t looking at the red head, he was sure that Die was watching him.
“And we’ve known each other for a long time now…”
Kyo blinked down at the water, but he didn’t see it anymore. Instead he saw only the days and night that had all blended together and didn’t stand out anymore then anything else in his memory.
“Three thousand four hundred and fifty two days to be exact.”
In all that time so much had changed for them, but he didn’t know if anything had actually changed between them. Every single part in him wished the he had changed, into something better, something more then what he knew was all be could be now.
“Well things have changed. We’ve changed. I don’t know when or how, but I think I like how they’re changing.” The taller man laughed. “I guess I’m still clumsy as ever with words though.”
The blond stretched his fingers, slightly shocked that the other man’s thoughts had traveled down the same path as his own. But he had realized how wrong Die was whereas the red head still had no idea.
“You’ve never been bad with words. Besides, you’re one of the people that don’t need them, how you speak, your voice, is enough to get across what you’re trying to say anyways.”
The day was still warm even though they were heading into fall too fast for his liking, but Kyo wasn’t bothered by the sun overhead, he didn’t feel much because Die’s words had a way of piercing through him.
“I don’t know when it happened Kyo, and I don’t know why, but now I feel like I have to say something. I think you’ve tried but…”
“Die, I know what you’re hinting at but don’t. Please don’t.”
The distance between them seemed like too small a space for his comfort but he knew that it would take an eternity for him to cross it, to be able to reach the red head. He preferred it that way, no, that wasn’t true, he needed it that way. If he could have his wish, there never would have been anything to cross.
“I kind of guess you don’t really feel like talking anymore.” Die sighed and moved closer, but it was only noticeable by the blond. Most people don’t count movements in atoms or more so the space between particles, but he did. It was in those spots that no one else could see that he hid away his feelings for the guitarist.
“If you only knew. There’s so much I do want to say.”
His hands were sweating even though his grip had loosened on the metal considerably, he no longer had the strength to hold on it the railing.
“But just please listen. It’s just I’ve never felt this way before, and I have to say something now, because I know that if I let this slide, I’ll never have the courage, and I might never have the chance again.”
Kyo slightly lifted his head unintentionally but he knew that Die had seen, now the guitarist knew that he had his attention.
“Don’t you see Die, that I know what you’re going to say. I’ve known it all along, just as long as I’ve known what I should and should not say.”
Die open his mouth but paused, as if reconsidering what was going to come out of it, before turning his head slightly, although his eyes remained fixed on something else, he breathed in and out. “I love you Kyo.” The words were soft and in less then a moment were stolen by the wind.
“I’ve waited for you to say that forever. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear. I never thought that words could make someone as happy as they can make them sad, but you have just given me life again. I don’t know what I could possibly say back to you so that you understand how I feel now.”
The world spun for a moment and all the stars, along with any possibility of destiny pointed directly at his heart. He turned his eyes and for the first time glanced at Die.
“I know that you might not want to hear it, but it’s the truth Kyo. I… I just need to know what you feel.”
The air was silent between them and Kyo returned his gaze down to the pond below.
“You already know how I feel Die, or else you wouldn’t have said anything to me. But you were also silly to believe that there was ever a chance for you to tell me, because even now, even this… it’s nothing.”
The minutes passed and the blond ran his tongue across the back of his teeth trying to distract himself from everything that was coursing through him. He was so torn apart and so tired that he just wanted it to end, one way or another.
“Kyo…” The red head’s voice was desperate but Kyo refused to turn his head, letting his eyes fall back down to the water below. He couldn’t give in now. He knew Die was silently pleading with him, but he wouldn’t let himself ruin the only chance that he would have to save the other man.
“This is the way it had to be Die. I’m sorry. Please believe me that I am. More sorry then you could possible imagine.”
The blond heard the other man sigh and stiffened. He knew that he had won, even if was a battle that he wished he didn’t have to participate in, one that he never wanted to fight.
“Alright.” The guitarist shoved his hands into his pockets and took a step back.
“You just have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. That’s the only way, but don’t worry, you’ll get through this. I’m doing this for you.”
Die brushed a strand of hair from his face and fidgeted, openly biting his lip. “I… I thought you wanted this.” His voice cracked slightly giving away how his heart was slowly being pulled into pieces.
“Oh Die, I want this more then anything, but it is something that I can never have. Something I can only have the privilege of dreaming about. Some people aren’t meant to be.”
The taller man quickly wiped a tear that had begun to fall down his cheek, in an attempt to hide it, but Kyo had caught sight of it just as it had begun to form. He noticed these things, just like he had noticed as soon as Die’s feelings for him had begun to take shape.
“I just don’t understand.” This time the older man made no attempt to hide the waver in his voice, Kyo knew that it wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but because he no longer could.
“They say that if you love someone unconditionally all you want is for them to be happy. I want you to be happy and that’s why I have to watch you walk away. I would love you more then anyone, but I cannot love you the way you need to be loved. I think it’s better that I break your heart once, then break it over and over again. It’s better that you leave being able to move on. If I told you what I really feel… then neither of us would be happy, at least this way, one of us can. And for me, the only way that I will ever be able to live with myself, with my decision, that one person has to be you.”
Die hovered for only a minute or so longer still watching the blond, his heart beating even as it broke. He took another step back, the echo of it filling Kyo’s ears.
“Goodbye Kyo.” The last words tore through him and cut him much deeper then anything else that the guitarist had ever said to him. His hands shook and his whole body trembled he waited until the feeling of Die’s presence leaving his own became distant before turning to the spot where the older man had stood.
He breathed out and was aware of the tears that were making the way down his own cheeks. He watched as the red head disappeared from view before swallowing, never once opening his mouth to say what he had so desperately wanted to for the last nine years.
“I love you too Daisuke.”